


Of Extreme Tag and Team-building Exercises (but not really)

by Makairia



Series: AvengerKink meme fills [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Clint does too but you don't see it as much, Crack, Gen, Kink!meme fill, Snarky Tony, Tony has a dirty mouth, flying pink hippos, fucking magic, lots of swearing, what the hell is going on?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/547945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makairia/pseuds/Makairia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kink!meme fill</p><blockquote>
  <p>"Anons, I recently came across the best burn ever committed to the Internet:</p>
  <p>"When I say "fuck you," I don't actually mean that anyone should."Just... Tony should say that. Preferably to someone who deserves it rather than just because he's being a dick (points if it's Loki)."</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <i>"So, fuck you. And, by ‘fuck you,’ I don’t actually mean that anyone should. Look at what happened last time. Fucking eight-legged horse.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Extreme Tag and Team-building Exercises (but not really)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt is [Here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/11065.html?thread=25371449t25371449).
> 
> This is going to read a little rough; I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing...and it's probably going to be a long process.
> 
> I don't think there are any severe triggers? Alcohol is mentioned and briefly...shown...? Babbling Loki, Snarky Tony, not enough character development for anyone else. Pretty much nine hundred words of crack. That's all there is to it.

The second time Loki chose to wreak havoc on New York was nowhere near as grandiose as his introduction. It wasn’t fire and brimstone and aliens (okay, _maybe_ it was aliens; the verdict was still out on that one). It was like an oversized, real-life version of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. With wings. Summoned _right_ onto the freshly remodeled Stark-cum-Avengers Tower landing pad. (Contrary to popular belief and cartoons and shit, hippos are scary-ass motherfuckers. And these ones could fly.) Oh, god. Was that the ancient Chinese vase collection he just got? Fuck. Pepper was going to _kill_ him.

Seriously, the first time the team (Tony still cringes a little at the word) attempted some off-site team-building exercise (Tony’s taken to calling this one Extreme Tag), Loki ruins it with his flying hippos. Flying _pink_ hippos. 

“Avengers! Assemble!” And just like that, the flip is switched and everyone’s gearing up to go. In the middle of a public park conveniently located a few blocks away (no one wanted to admit that it was a failsafe just in case the teambuilding shit hit the fan, providing an easy escape). 

“Jesus Christ. I just fucking fixed the tower, I’m trapped in Fury’s Super-Secret Boy Band (plus Natasha – please-don’t-hit-me), and there are fucking pink hippos seconds away from trashing my living room and part of Midtown. How is this my life.” 

“Iron Man, cut the chatter.” 

“Yeah, yeah, Cap. Don’t get your spangly panties in a twist. Alright, Birdbrain. You’re with me. And…clench.” With a quick burst, Iron Man and Hawkeye careened hundreds of feet in the air, where Tony literally dropped a sputtering Hawkeye onto the roof of an adjacent building, before hightailing it up the dozens of floors to the penthouse entrance, blasting hippos as he soared past them (and through them), only to see them explode into…smoke? What the hell? So, not aliens, then. Fucking magic. Tony was _so_ done with magic. 

In a frightening sense of déjà vu, Tony locked eyes with Loki, as he stepped onto the platform, and the machinery divested him of his now smoking suit (somewhere, his mind registered Captain America’s voice yelling at him, but he paid it very little attention). _Fucking magic._ Fucking _hippos._ Goddamn. What’s a guy have to do around here to keep from destroying millions of dollars of technology? 

By now, the team had picked up on the hippos’ lack of corporealness, and the bloat of fairy hippos dwindled with increasing speed (“Fucking waste of arrows!” “…no smash…?”). Natasha was nowhere to be seen, but there were mysterious cases of hippos just…disappearing without a trace; no smoke. No nothing. 

***

“Ah, the Man of Iron. I believe you owe me a drink.” Loki sauntered his way through the penthouse, slowly making his way towards Tony. 

“Yeah, and you owe me a window. What _are_ you doing out of Asgard, anyways? Did Mommy and Daddy let you off with a slap on the wri – oops, not your real parents. Sorry,” Tony rambled, and made his way to the (newly refurbished, thank you) bar, despite the implied negative. Loki’s eyes tightened, and his hands twitched in a visible attempt not to dig his nails into his palms. 

“So, here’s the thing. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with you and your prima donna shit.” Apparently, JARVIS deemed it appropriate to switch the com link from the suit to the penthouse’s internal speakers, if Clint’s sudden laugh was anything to go by. 

“Shut up, Barton. Anyway, I’ve already got enough shit to deal with; your cute little magic hippo thing? Really uncalled for. So, fuck you. And, by ‘fuck you,’ I don’t actually mean that anyone should. Look at what happened last time. Fucking eight-legged horse.” 

“Iron Man! We’ll be there in three minutes! Hold on.” 

“What the hell do you think I’ve been doing? Try not to break anything on your way up…let Bruce, Natasha – hell, even Barton – press the buttons.” 

The aforementioned Avenger gave a disgruntled shout. “Hey! Fuck you, Stark!” 

Tony turned his attention back on the nonplussed god, hands moving automatically, artfully pouring alcohol from mostly unmarked containers; although, one, most notably, still had a post-it hanging on for dear life with the words “my sincerest apologies, Man of Iron” scrawled out (apparently, Thor still felt the need to recompense Tony for allowing him to stay in the tower, and was still apologizing for his week-long getaway to New Mexico with his “Beloved Jane.” Whatever. Tony wasn’t complaining. Free Asgardian liquor and all that). 

“Actually, you know what? You should have that revoked. So, _un_ fuck you. That’s more appropriate.” Tony slid a rather disgusting looking concoction towards Loki, and kept a more normal-looking drink for himself. 

A few seconds of awkward silence followed: Tony unsubtly watching Loki, and Loki staring down his garishly-colored drink, before trying a sip. One drink turned into four, and disturbingly soon, Loki was just the other side of wasted, pouring out his heart to a frankly disturbed Tony. Which was how Steve, Natasha, Bruce, and Clint found the pair. 

“And – *hic* – Odin tells me that I was _adopted_ and I had so many questions and he just fell asleep right there on the floor and I was so confused and – *hic* – and then I had to rule, but I never wanted to rule, I just wanted Thor to love me. ‘s all I ever really wanted!” 

Tony looked over at his teammates (urk. The word almost gives him _hives_. Gross) with silent plea for help, to which they responded with the “close door” button in the elevator. Well, fuck them, anyway. Some team they are. 

**Author's Note:**

> (Retouched a bit 11/24. Nothing drastically changed.)
> 
> ** The "unfuck you" comment was said by Craig Ferguson during a brief period of intermission during one of his show recordings (8/28/12), but I don't think it was actually said in the episode. That man is funny as hell.


End file.
